She used to call me 'Dear', Now it's Oei.

I used to call her 'Da', now it's Mummy.

           Yes, thats TWO 'hunkas'. Remember to add a little feral growl when you say 'luurve'. Earnest researcher that I am, I tried checking Google for 'puffylombie' but Google shuddered (if you were online you would write *shudders*) and told me that my search for 'puffylombie' did not match any documents. No pages were found containing 'puffylombie'. Then Google excused himself to go and comb his leg hairs down and put on a sweater.

          This is from a couple with no kids yet. You can tell, can't you? My observation is that once you have children, you lose your name. Your name becomes 'Make the Milk', 'Wipe Her Mouth', and 'Why Arent You Watching Him Look He is Eating Your Handphone'. Sometimes, it is 'Oei'. I used to be known as 'Dear' and my wife was 'Da'. I even vaguely remember her using my name at some point in our lives (I think it was in front of the Registrar of Marriages). But when Faith was born, my wife became 'Mummy' and I 'Papa'.

          "Papa, can you help me throw this exceptionally soiled and nasty nappy?"  ......  "Mummy, where's my Time magazine?"   "Oh, Baby tore it up and ate it, Papa. Isnt that cute?"

          Faith was 'Baby' for a long time. Until her brother came along. Overnight, we had two 'Babies'. We were lost. We had an identity crisis.

          "Papa, can you get me Baby's diaper?" Helpfully, I comply. "No, I need the XL, not the Small." Oh, THAT Baby. Or I would be tasked to pick out clothes for Baby and be told that my selection was too big for Isaac. Besides, it was pink and it was a dress. My mother had a terrible time remembering our names as kids. There were three boys in the family, and she would always call us by the wrong name. Another friends mom just called him 'Boy'. That works too, I suppose. My friend Mike, who has 10 other siblings, had it worse. Once, I greeted his mom and said  I was Ah Hong's friend and she said: "Ah Hong diang?" (Ah Hong who?) I guess having 11 kids does that to you. At least Mike has a name. I heard of one family who has more than 20 children - in the good old days when you were allowed more than one wife - where they just gave up and named the later children with numbers. I am not making this up.

          I find that my name changes depending on which of my children have been naughty or difficult. I am Faith's Papa or Isaac's Papa depending on the situation.

          They are mine when they are bad; they are hers when they are cute. "Faith's Papa, YOUR daughter just did a big one on the floor and is now playing with her poop, you want to clean that up?"  ......  "Oh look, Papa, MY son just smiled at me! You want your Mummy to feed you ah? So cute!"

          I am almost going to put that into my Identity Card now.

Name: Papa Lee Lao Peh. Alias: Faith or Isaacs Papa (depends).

          Of course there is my other name 'brown'. All my friends call me that, or sometimes 'brownie'. My wife is known as Mrs brown, and friend's kids call me Uncle brown. And Mike's former domestic helper (who called him 'Sir'), called me 'Sir brown'. My mother has gotten used to 'brown', too. The other day, when I asked her if there was really a cemetery known as Bukit Brown, she said: "Ya, really. Like your name, lor."

          In the army, your name is something else altogether. Depending on the mood of the instructor, you may be called Smelly Recruit in Hokkien, or if you have been particularly incompetent, something related to your mother's smelly something-something. (I am not sure what it is, because my Hokkien is not so good, though I suspect it is something rude).

          I reckon the only other time I am called by my surname is when I meet some angmoh who does not know how Chinese names are written and, inevitably, assume my first name is Lee and last name is Mun. And when you tell them, well, no, Lee is my last name, they will still get it wrong and proceed to call me Kin.

          So at that point, it is very tempting to say, okay, lets start over. You can call me 'hunkahunka- burnin-luurve'. Thats TWO 'hunkas' and remember to add a little feral growl when you say 'luurve'. Or 'Papa' for short.

          Papa brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. He will probably be calling his kids 'Boy' and 'Girl' real soon. He still does not know what a 'puffylombie' is.*shudders*