Lesson 1:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the
frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out. Then he ate him!
*** 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who
gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in
deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Lesson 2:
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain
said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as
we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go. The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the
work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke
up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and
refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began
to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
*** You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole
will do.
Lesson 3:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,
who shot the turkey out of the tree.
*** Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.
Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure why not." So, the
rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
*** To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife
gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door
neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on" After thinking for a
moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back
to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband
says,"Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
*** If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk in time with
your stakeholders,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Lesson 6:
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a
lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her
leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun
got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible
and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
*** Always be well informed in your job, or you
might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 7:
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says,
"I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want
to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!"
says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas
and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those
two back in the office after lunch."
*** Always let your boss have the first say.
